Chapter 23, Sealed.

Light pulled her apart, fiber by fiber, sliced the fibers to hairs that drifted apart, burning, drifting and burning, forever, forever.

Egwene stepped out of the silver arch, cold and stiff with anger.

She wanted the iciness of anger to counter the searing of memory.

Her body remembered burning, but other memories scored and scorched more deeply, anger cold as death.

Is that all there is for me, she demanded, to abandon him again and again?

To betray him, fail him, again and again?

Is that what there is for me?

Suddenly, she realized that all was not as it should be.

The amulet was there now, as Egwene had been taught she would be, and a shawled sister from each, Adja, but they all stared at her worriedly.

Two eyes sadai now sat at each place around the Turangreal, sweat running down their faces.

The Turangreal hummed, almost vibrated, and violent streaks of color tore the white light inside the arches.

The glow of saidar briefly enveloped Shiryam as she put a hand on Egwene’s head, sending a new chill through her.

She is well, the mistress of novices sounded relieved.

She is unharmed, as if she had not expected it.

Tension seemed to go out of the other eyes sadai facing Egwene.

Elida let out a long breath, then hurried away for the last chalice.

Only the eyes sadai around the Turangreal did not relax.

The hum had lessened, and the light began the flickering that signaled the Turangreal was settling toward quiescence.

But those eyes sadai looked as if they were fighting it every inch of the way.

What, what happened, Egwene asked.

Be silent, Shiryam said, but gently.

For now, be silent.

You are well, that is the main thing, and we must complete the ceremony.

Elida came, close to running, and handed the final silver chalice to the Amarlin.

Egwene hesitated only a moment before kneeling.

What happened?

The Amarlin emptied the chalice slowly over Egwene’s head.

You are washed clean of Egwene Alvier from Emon’s Field.

You are washed clean of all ties that bind you to the world.

You come to us washed clean in heart and soul.

You are Egwene Alvier, accepted of the White Tower.

The last drop splashed onto Egwene’s hair.

You are sealed to us now.

The last words seemed to have a special meaning, just between Egwene and the Amarlin.

The Amarlin thrust the chalice at one of the other eyes sadai and produced a gold ring in the shape of a serpent, biting its own tail.

Despite herself, Egwene trembled as she raised her left hand, trembled again as the Amarlin slipped the great serpent ring onto the third finger.

When she became eyes sadai, she could wear the ring on the finger she chose, or not at all if it was necessary to hide who she was, but the accepted wore it there.

Unsmiling, the Amarlin pulled her to her feet.

Welcome, daughter, she said, kissing her cheek.

Egwene was surprised to feel a thrill.

Not child, but daughter, always before she had been child.

The Amarlin kissed her other cheek.

Welcome.

Stepping back, the Amarlin regarded her critically, but spoke to Shiryam.

Get her dry and into some clothes, then be certain she is well.

Certain, you understand?

I am certain, mother, Shiryam sounded surprised.

You saw me delve her.

The Amarlin grunted, and her eyes shifted to the Turang Real.

I mean to know what went wrong tonight.

She strode away in the direction of her glare, skirts swaying purposefully.

Most of the other eyes sadai joined her around the Turang Real, now only a silver structure of arches on a ring.

The mother is worried about you, Shiryam said, as she drew Egwene to one side, to where there was a thick towel for her hair, and another for the rest of her.

How much reason did she have?

Egwene asked.

The Amarlin wants nothing to happen to her hound till the deer is pulled down.

Shiryam did not answer.

She merely frowned slightly, then waited until Egwene was dry before handing her a white dress, banded at the bottom with seven rings.

She slipped into that dress with a flash of disappointment.

She was one of the accepted, with the ring on her finger and the bands on her dress.

Why don’t I feel any different?

Elida came over, her arms filled with Egwene’s novice dress and shoes, her belt and pouch, and the papers Verin had given her, in Elida’s hands.

Egwene made herself wait for the Aes Sedai to hand the bundle to her, rather than snatch them away.

Thank you, Aes Sedai.

She tried to eye the papers surreptitiously.

She could not tell if they had been disturbed.

The string was still tied.

How would I know if she’s read all of them?

Squeezing her pouch under cover of the novice dress, she felt the peculiar ring, the Turang Real, inside.

At least that’s still here.

Blight, she could have taken that, and I don’t know that I would have minded.

Yes, I would.

I think I would.

Elida’s face was as cold as her voice.

I did not want you to be brought forward tonight.

Not because I feared what happened, no one could foresee that.

But because of what you are, a wilder.

Egwene tried to protest, but Elida kept on, as implacable as a mountain glacier.

I know you learned to channel under Aes Sedai teaching, but you are still a wilder, a wilder in spirit, a wilder in ways.

You have vast potential, else you would never have survived in there tonight.

But potential changes nothing.

I do not believe you will ever be part of the White Tower, not in the way the rest of us are.

No matter on which finger you wear your ring, it would have been better for you had you settled for learning enough to stay alive and gone back to your sleepy village, far better.

Turning on her heel, she stalked away, out of the chamber.

If she isn’t Black Aja, Egwene thought sourly, she’s the next thing to it.

Aloud, she muttered to Shiryam, you could have said something.

You could have helped me.

I would have helped a novice child, Shiryam replied calmly, and Egwene winced.

She was back to child again.

I try to protect novices where they need it, since they cannot protect themselves.

You are accepted now.

It is time for you to learn to protect yourself.

Egwene studied Shiryam’s eyes, wondering if she had imagined an emphasis on that last sentence.

Shiryam had had as much opportunity as Elida to read the list of names, to decide that Egwene was mixed in with the Black Aja.

Light, you’re becoming suspicious of everybody.

Better that than dead, or captured by 13 of them, and hastily she stopped that line of thought.

She did not want it in her head.

Shiryam, what did happen tonight, she asked, and don’t put me off.

Shiryam’s eyebrows rose almost to her scalp, it seemed, and she hastily amended her question.

Shiryam Siddai, I mean.

Forgive me, Shiryam Siddai.

Remember, you aren’t I Siddai yet, child.

Despite the steel in her voice, a smile touched Shiryam’s lips, yet it vanished as she went on.

I do not know what happened, except that I very much fear you almost died.

Who knows what happens to those who do not come out of a Turang Real, Alanna said as she joined them.

The Green Sister was known for her temper and her sense of humor, and some said she could flash from one to the other and back again before you could blink.

But the look she gave Egwene was almost diffident.

Child, I should have stopped this when I had the chance, when I first noticed that reverberation.

It came back, that is what happened.

It came back a thousandfold, ten thousand.

The Turang Real almost seemed to be trying to shut off the flow from Saidar or melt itself through the floor.

You have my apologies, though words are not enough.

Not for what almost happened to you.

I say this and by the first oath you know it is true.

To show my feelings, I will ask the mother to let me share your time in the kitchens.

And yes, your visit to Shiryam, too.

Had I done as I should, you would not have been in danger of your life and I will atone for it.

Shiryam’s laugh was scandalized.

She will never allow that, Alanna.

A sister in the kitchens, much less.

It is unheard of.

It’s impossible.

You did what you believed right.

There is no fault to you.

It was not your fault, Alanna Sadai, Egwene said.

Why is Alanna doing this?

Unless maybe to convince me she didn’t have anything to do with whatever went wrong.

And maybe so she can keep an eye on me all the time.

It was that image, a proud-eyes Sadai up to her elbows in greasy pots three times a day just to watch someone, that convinced her she was letting her imagination run away with her.

But it was also unthinkable that Alanna should do as she said she would.

In any case, the Green Sisters certainly had had no chance to see the list of names while tending the Turang Real.

But if Nynaeve is right, she wouldn’t need to see those names to want to kill me if she is Black Aja.

Stop that.

Really, it wasn’t.

Had I done as I should, Alanna maintained, it would never have happened.

The only time I have ever seen anything like it was once years ago when we tried to use a Turang Real in the same room with another that may have been in some way related to it.

It is extremely rare to find two such as that.

The pair of them melted, and every sister within a hundred paces had such a headache for a week that she couldn’t channel a spark.

What’s the matter, child?

Egwene’s hand had tightened around her pouch, till the twisted stone ring impressed itself on her palm through the thick cloth.

Was it warm?

Light, I did it myself.

Nothing, Alanna Sadae.

I Sadae, you did nothing wrong.

You have no reason to share my punishments.

None at all, none.

A bit vehement, Shiryam observed.

But true, Alanna only shook her head.

I Sadae, Egwene said slowly, what does it mean to be green, Aja?

Shiryam’s eyes opened wider with amusement, and Alanna grinned openly.

Just with the ring on your finger, the green sister said, and already trying to decide which Aja to choose?

First, you must love men.

I don’t mean be in love with them, but love them.

Not like a blue, who merely likes men so long as they share her causes and do not get in her way.

And certainly not like a red, who despises them as if every one of them were responsible for the breaking.

Alviarin, the white sister who had come with the Amaryllon, gave them a cool look and moved on.

And not like a white, Alanna said with a laugh, who has no room in her life for any passions at all.

That was not what I meant, Alanna Sadae.

I want to know what it means to be a green sister.

She was not sure Alanna would understand, because she was not certain she herself understood what she wanted to know, but Alanna nodded slowly as if she did.

Browns seek knowledge, blues meddling causes, and whites consider the questions of truth with implacable logic.

We all do some of it all, of course.

But to be a green means to stand ready.

A note of pride entered Alanna’s voice.

In the Trolloc Wars, we were often called the Battle Aja.

All I, Sadae, helped where and when they could, but the Green Aja alone was always with the armies in almost every battle.

We were the counter to the dreadlords, the Battle Aja.

And now we stand ready for the Trollocs to come south again, for Tarmon Gaiden, the last battle.

We will be there.

That is what it means to be a green.

Thank you, I, Sadae, Egwene said.

That is what I was, or what I will be?

Light, I wish I knew if it was real, if it had anything at all to do with here and now.

The Amaryllon joined them and they swept deep curtsies to her.

Are you well, daughter?

She asked Egwene.

Her eyes flicked to the corner of the papers, sticking out from under the novice dress in Egwene’s hands, then back to Egwene’s face immediately.

I will know the why of what occurred tonight before I am done.

Egwene’s cheeks reddened.

I am well, mother.

Alanna surprised her by asking the Amaryllon just what she had said she would.

I never heard of such a thing, the Amaryllon barked.

The owner doesn’t muck out with the bilge boys, even if he has run the boat on a mudflat.

She glanced at Egwene, and worry tightened her eyes, and anger.

I share your concern, Alanna.

Whatever this child has done, it did not deserve that.

Very well.

If it will assuage your feelings, you may visit Shiryam.

But it is to be strictly between you two.

I’ll not have Aes Sedai held up to ridicule, even inside the tower.

Egwene opened her mouth to confess all and let them take the ring.

I don’t want the bloody thing, really.

But Alanna forestalled her.

And the other mother?

Do not be ridiculous, daughter.

The Amaryllon was angry and sounded more so by the word.

You’d be a laughing stock inside the day, except for those who decided you were mad, and don’t think it would not follow you.

Tales like that have a way of traveling.

You would find stories told of the scullion Aes Sedai from Tyr to Maradon.

And that would reflect on every sister.

No, if you need to rid yourself of some feeling of guilt and cannot handle it as a grown woman would, very well.

I have told you that you may visit Shiryam.

Accompany her tonight when you leave here.

That will give you the rest of the night to decide if it was of any help.

And tomorrow you can start finding out what went wrong here tonight.

Yes, mother.

Alanna’s voice was perfectly neutral.

The desire to confess had died in Egwene.

Alanna had shown only one brief flash of disappointment when she realized the Amaryllon would not allow her to join Egwene in the kitchens.

She doesn’t want to be punished any more than any sensible person does.

She did want an excuse to be in my company.

Light, she couldn’t have deliberately caused the Turang Real to go wild.

I did that.

Can she be black Ajah?

Wrapped in thought, Egwene heard a throat cleared.

Then again, more roughly.

Her eyes focused.

The Amaryllon was staring right into her.

And when she spoke, she bit off each word.

Since you seem to be asleep, standing up, child, I suggest you go to bed.

For one instant, her glance flashed to the nearly concealed papers in Egwene’s hands.

You have much work to do tomorrow and for many days thereafter.

Her eyes held Egwene’s a moment longer, and then she was striding away before any of them could curtsy.

Shiryam rounded on Alanna as soon as the Amaryllon was out of earshot.

The green-eyed Sadai glowered and took it in silence.

You are mad, Alanna, a fool and doubly a fool if you think I will go lightly on you just because we were novices together.

Are you taken by the dragon to?

Suddenly, Shiryam became aware of Egwene, and the target of her anger shifted.

Did I not hear the Amaryllon seat order you to your bed accepted?

If you breathe a word of this, you will wish I had buried you in a field to manure the ground.

And I will see you in my study in the morning when the bell rings first and not one breath later, now go.

Egwene went, her head spinning.

Is there anybody I can’t trust?

The Amaryllon?

She sent us off chasing 13 of the Black Aja and forgot to mention that 13 is just the number needed to turn a woman who can channel to the shadow against her will.

Who can I trust?

She did not want to be alone, could not stand the thought of it, and so she hurried to the accepted’s quarters, thinking that tomorrow she would be moving there herself, and immediately after knocking, pushed open Nynaeve’s door.

She could trust her with anything, her and Elaine.

But Nynaeve was seated in one of the two chairs, with Elaine’s head buried in her lap.

Elaine’s shoulders shook to the sound of weeping, the softer weeping that comes after no energy is left for deeper sobs, but the emotion still burns.

Dampness shone on Nynaeve’s cheeks too.

The great serpent gleaming on her hand, smoothing Elaine’s hair, matched the ring on the hand Elaine used to clutch at Nynaeve’s skirt.

Elaine lifted a face red and swollen from long crying, sniffing through her sobs when she saw Egwene.

I could not be that awful, Egwene.

I just couldn’t.

The accident with the Turang Real, Egwene’s fear that someone might have read the papers Verin had given her, her suspicions of everyone in that chamber, all these had been terrible.

But they had buffered her in a rough, ungentle way from what had happened inside the Turang Real.

They had come from the outside, the other was inside.

Elaine’s words stripped the buffer away, and what was inside hit Egwene as if the ceiling had collapsed.

Rand, her husband, and Joya, her baby.

Rand pinned and begging her to kill him, Rand chained to be gentled.

Before she was aware of moving, she was on her knees beside Elaine, all the tears that should have fallen earlier coming out in a flood.

I couldn’t help him, Nynaeve, she sobbed.

I just left him there.

Nynaeve flinched as if struck, but the next moment her arms were around both Egwene and Elaine, hugging them, rocking them.

Hush, she crooned softly, it eases with time, it eases a little.

One day we will make them pay our price, hush, hush.